Tag: Parenting

Graduating as a Parent

More than three years ago, in early 2023, I wrote a post about “What to Do When You Can’t Do Much – Dad Edition”.

Nothing could have prepared me then for the maelstrom of challenges that awaited right around the corner. Now, three years later, so much has changed and so fast. I liken my experience thus far to sailing the stormy seas aboard a rickety boat. From a multitude of health issues to layoffs and personal losses, it has been a vicious cycle of emotional and mental whiplash. But, throughout it all, there has been a steadying presence in my life. The same presence whose company I spoke about in my old post: my daughter.

While I’m still the full-time work-at-home father, my daughter has graduated from being a baby to an actual “kid”. Back in 2023, I described the transformation of designing my life around my child’s needs as a major challenge. A family friend commented then that things would get easier as my daughter gets older, and that I would become nostalgic about these hard times. For a guy running on 4-5 hours of sleep, that statement was neither convincing nor encouraging.

In retrospect, I find myself completely agreeing with it. Becoming a father is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For one, your kid makes you realize how important it is to keep track of your own health. Why? Because that is the only way you can keep up with them. The same applies on the mental front. Kids draw so much from their parents’ emotional and mental energies. In my case, my daughter has become my pillar of motivation. I’ve leaned on her support as much as she continues to lean upon mine.

We are now a few days away from her preschool graduation, and to be honest, it kind of feels like a mini graduation for me as a parent. The last five years of my life have been a roller coaster of lost dreams, career derailments, personal loss, and just about all the chaos one could ask for. I certainly am not where I wanted to be five years ago. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve made progress in areas that I originally thought impossible.

For starters, I’m now working full-time as a freelancer and gradually building a committed career in the creative arts. I’ve become a published science writer and have continued to pitch successfully. I’ve even become more consistent in writing this blog!

In a few more days, I get to graduate from the slight stupor of the last five years and become more productive in my professional ambitions. It is a “productivity” honed and sharpened by the wisdom I have gained as a father, all thanks to my lovely daughter, who also gets to explore a new world of her own. We are both taking small steps towards bigger victories, and while it may seem to be at a slow pace, if there is one thing I have learned, life isn’t always about how fast you reach your goals, but about what you learn along the way.

“Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.” – Robert Collier

When Dreams Fade – Battling Depression and Finding Purpose

What can you do when a loved one sinks into a pit of despair and you are relegated to being a silent bystander, watching it all unravel?

It has been a while everyone. The daily circumstances of my life took a sharp nose dive since my last post on March 15, 2023. To provide some context, I need to go back to 2021 when my wife and I received the greatest gift we could ask for, our baby daughter. Her birth brought forth an enormous amount of change in our lives. We moved from Edmonton, our “20s” home, to Calgary. I landed the ideal job in a career that allowed me to equally indulge my appetite for science, writing, and other creative pursuits.

Our journey as parents hasn’t been easy and remains a struggle to this day but we love our little girl. Ups and downs are the norm and we had to postpone some of our plans and goals but the ensuing joy we found in our daughter’s company made it all worth it.

My wife played an enormous role in motivating me toward a career in writing. She wholeheartedly wished that I pursue my dreams to the fullest and to never give up on my goals. Going into 2022, I wanted to do the same for her. After our daughter’s one-year birthday, I encouraged her to pursue doctoral studies, and so, it began.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Several factors must come together when you are working toward your dreams and living as a family. In our case, it just was not meant to be. With my remote, work-from-home job, we thought the stage was set for a glorious transition. We were off to a great start in the fall of 2022, with my wife heading to university, and our daughter coping well in her absence. In fact, it was better than expected and I had the opportunity to experience several special moments as a father while taking care of our daughter at home.

But in due time, things would get increasingly difficult, especially from a work-life balance front. Having the support of your family is one thing and we were doing great in that aspect but my wife lacked the same in her career. A supportive, encouraging, and understanding supervisor is crucial for a student’s success. Unfortunately, my wife did not get that option. The insurmountable stress from her work would carry into our day-to-day lives. Gradually, our nights became sleepless, there were arguments, struggles in understanding each other’s frustrations, desperation in wanting to support each other’s dreams, and just trying to keep it all together.

Unexpected health emergencies involving our daughter would add to the caustic mood that pervaded our home. After several months of bitterness, fatigue, and exhaustion, we realized that this state of affairs was not sustainable. When the simple act of driving to your workplace sets you mad with stress, you know that something is wrong. As such, my wife decided to give up on her studies. Standing in the wake of her decision, as her dreams fell apart, all I could do was to hold her tight and let her know that everything would be all right.

A Short-Lived Peace

Despite how awful it felt initially, we knew it was the right decision. This was evident in the immediate and immense sense of relief that followed, as though a massive burden was lifted off of our shoulders. With it, there were fewer arguments, peaceful nights, and a lot more laughter in our home.

My wife missed spending time together as a family. She missed her daughter. She missed us. Putting everything aside, we strolled happily into March 2023. Our days were rife with adventure and our nights were filled with hope and wonder. Everything seemed perfect again. Never did I expect what followed afterward.

Sinking

I liken it to an instant fury. An explosion of emotions that carried me away and in its passing, I felt like I was drowning. I didn’t understand what happened but over a few days, I observed my wife slowly retreat into a corner within herself. No matter how much I tried to help, it didn’t make a difference.

The physical symptoms came first. It happened after my wife had stopped breastfeeding. Weekly cycles of nausea, fainting spells, and absolute fatigue. There seemed to be no end to it, and with every consecutive wave, I could sense my wife’s mental strength seep away.

Where there had once been renewed hope and happiness, and excitement for newer beginnings, there was now emptiness, apathy, and extreme grief. Two years after her pregnancy, my wife was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression.

Finding ourselves

For the rest of 2023, I felt like a spectator looking in on my wife’s struggles. Nothing I did seemed to help and all I could do was to just be there by her side. I felt like I had lost my partner while my wife felt that she had lost herself.

I wished to help her find her way back and I acknowledged that she needed this support from someone other than myself. A few months later, in the summer of 2023, my wife started therapy. It was on a need-to basis but it provided her a safe space to vent, gather her thoughts, and come to terms with her life. Old scars re-emerged, new wounds dug deeper, and dreams faded.

Closure

Reflecting on all of this, what my wife and I envisioned for our life after a child was in stark contrast to the reality we experienced. We frequently kept wishing about recovering lost time. It was most difficult for my wife. From the denial that she faced such a reality, to the anger for all the complications throughout her pregnancy, to bargaining on her goals and sinking in the depression that followed, to finally mourning for all that had come to pass.

Acceptance was not easy but we somehow made it. Our days and nights are better. We stumble on occasion but we have learned to pick ourselves up. Our daughter has been the light in the darkness. Living with her has all been about living in the moment and in that sense, we have grown stronger as a family. As for my wife and myself, this experience has only brought us closer. 2024 now lies ahead in an opportunity to rediscover ourselves and push ahead with renewed hope. We have remained steadfast in our promises to keep seeking our dreams and to be there for each other.

Now, it is back to the drawing board. I intend to pick up the pieces that were left behind, re-collect the dreams that had faded, and give them new purpose. After all, isn’t that what life is all about?